I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
