On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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