shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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