Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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