My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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