I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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