I wish I could teleport
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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