Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
