Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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