Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize