I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
