Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
