Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
