go do what you do best...puke behind churches
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
