Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
