My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
