My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
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