why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
