we're chasing vodka with high fives
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
