I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
