I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
