For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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