I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
