i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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