I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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