The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
