Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
