She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
