I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize