Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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