look no pants
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
