Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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