He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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