A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
