Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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