HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
