Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
