yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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