Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I cannot find my penis.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
