she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need to stop coming to work sober
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
