I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
