I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
