listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
40s are totally the cure
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
