Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The adults are the big ones right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
