he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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