the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
