I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
