guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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