I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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