i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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