whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
