So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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