i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
