i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize