My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
