Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
