oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
