What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
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