I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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