I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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