His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize