She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
