found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
