why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
