You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
