I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
