Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
you guys were way drunker than both of me
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
