So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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