my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
